Being Vulnerable Takes Courage!

Being vulnerable, AKA Where you risk showing your inner world to another, takes courage. The word courage has its foundation in the latin word ‘cor’ for heart - coeur in French. Courage. Being vulnerable equals offering your core, an essential, yet usually hidden part of you whilst being in the ‘not knowing’; not knowing how it will be received; with acceptance and care, or with disrespect and derision? 

It’s a bit like jumping off a small cliff and not being able to see where you’ll land - whether you’re going to be okay when you do. So much uncertainty! How do I know I’m safe? How do I know I’m enough? Will I be okay? To tune into a sense of vulnerability, just cast your mind back to the first time:

You asked someone out…You said ‘I love you’ to an intimate partner…You cooked for them/danced with them/let them see you naked…You asked for what you really needed…You spoke up for yourself when someone with more power than you had disrespected your boundaries

It’s a risky business, this being vulnerable. And daring to be so makes most people feel a bit nauseous, especially if your early days didn’t offer you a strong sense of love and belonging. Then it’s even harder. Ironically though, it’s also a direct route to connection and getting your needs met, to feeling loved and like you belong. But having the courage to turn towards instead of away from vulnerability is no easy feat. There is no guarantee that taking a risk and offering your inner world, or a part of it, will be received well. And humans detest uncertainty. Mystery? Uncertainty? Risk? Never!

Brené Brown, a social researcher who has written extensively on shame and vulnerability found that being vulnerable involves telling the story of who you really are with your whole heart. This means being okay with being imperfect and finding your way to believing you’re enough. How hard is this? So hard! Even more so, if you were dumped or betrayed (or both) in your last relationship. Or if your partner has a pattern of not showing up for you. Or if you were laughed at the last time you dared with your heart. It’s huge! Especially when the other, namely your loved one/s, have dealt you a harsh card. This messes big time with our narrative of self. And that’s a whole other blog post but for now, it’s good to know that narration—story of self and story of other—is constantly being written and re-written. This is very much a part of being in a relationship. 

‘I am enough’. 3 little words that may be harder for some to say than ‘I love you’. It’s kind of like saying ‘I love you’ to self. One of the primary fears that shows up in the counselling room is: ‘I’m not enough’; I’m not loveable enough, loving enough, sexy enough, clever enough, funny enough and so on. There’s also the ‘I’m too much’ version which sounds like, ‘I’m too emotional, too much, too needy, too demanding’ and so on. All of these become negotiations at best, when partners are not getting their needs met, and all out warfare at worst. 

Relationship Counselling Helps

When the walls get too high between you and the negative stories (either of your partner or yourself) get too loud, relationship counselling can help by having a third, non-biased person present, one intent of supporting you to rebuild safety, become aware of the thoughts (and stories) and then risk some vulnerability and intimacy.

With or without counselling, when conflict inevitably arises, it’s a lot easier to point the finger of blame rather than risk some vulnerability. Why would you jump off a small cliff when you’re already not feeling safe? Why would you open a window in your defence system when you’re feeling attacked? What if your partner’s just criticised you? So much easier to say something snarky back (i.e. chuck a grenade over the wall at them) rather than peek through that window and offer an olive branch. There are so many versions of being vulnerable in relationship; showing and sharing with a new partner, taking a risk with a long-term partner where things need to change, with a friend who you love but you realise doesn’t listen to you, with a colleague or boss who’s taking you for granted. 

And what about when you’ve stepped out of line? When you’ve made a mistake? Taking responsibility for wrongdoing and saying sorry is also a whole other blog post but vulnerability is very much a part of the art of repair. The current Netflix romcom hit, Nobody Wants This has a refreshing moment in the second episode where some quick and easy repair is managed. Joanne, a sex podcaster who has recently met Noah, a rabbi, has to wait for him as he tries to extract himself from his congregation - they’re both attracted to each other: 

-Noah: “I'm sorry I couldn’t get out of there faster.” 

-Joanne: “All good.”

-Morgan (Joanne’s sister): “15 minutes is pretty rude.”

-Noah: “Are you sure it was 15 minutes? It felt more like 10 to me.”

-Morgan: “I’m sorry, are you gaslighting us?”

-Noah: “It was 15 minutes. I’m really sorry about that. It wasn’t cool. Will you accept my apology?

I found this exchange refreshing - we don’t see a lot of positive  relationship modelling onscreen. It was a risk for Noah to admit he was in the wrong. In fact, at first he tried to get out of it - totally normal! But then in response to Morgan’s speedy confrontation, he levelled up to his mistake and then offered an apology which was risky; they could have gone to town on him for being imperfect and also for admitting to his imperfections. But they didn’t. In response, Joanne softens.

It’s a risky business this being vulnerable. It’s also a direct route to connection. Having the courage to turn towards, especially when you’re arguing, is a big ask. When every instinct is screaming, “Turn away! Run. Fight back!”. Or, “Shut down, numb out, avoid!”. The fear of showing up and placing your heart on your sleeve is just too damn scary to countenance at the best of times, let alone when the stakes are high. But more often than not, it’s a risk worth taking.