Communication Issues
When people talk about their relationship troubles, the most commonly used term I hear is “communication issues”; it’s a blanket term for the many challenges that we all face at different times, all of which involve either conflict or loss of connection or both. So, with this in mind, let’s look at the fundamental basics of communication - turning towards or turning away.
The Gottman Method
After over 40 years of working with couples - as counsellors and academic researchers - Julie and John Gottman know what they’re talking about. As well as counselling couples, they’ve spent thousands of hours studying how intimate partners communicate and their communication styles. One of the significant outcomes of their analysis, common to all communication, is the making and receiving of bids. If I say to you, “Hey, let me show you this fuzzy ball I found at the market”, I’m making a bid for your attention. I want to connect with you, for you to acknowledge me and respond; even better, for you to see me and value me. For your part, you can have a number of different responses.
Turning Towards
“Oh, show me!” is a lovely turning towards response. “Tell me about it”, is another; both of these value the offering. Still turning towards, but much more about you than me would be, “I’ve got one too, look at mine” or, “What’s that market like?”. The first of these is a response towards but a counter bid for attention. The latter is again, a response towards but only half a one, as the question about the market, although genuine, ignores the speaker’s request to ‘see me/value me’.
Turning Away
“I’ve seen them before, what’s for dinner?” or “I’m so tired. Did I tell you what happened at work?”. Both of these may appear to be turning towards because a verbal response is given, but below the surface the responder is turning away from the speaker’s bid by not valuing the content and prioritising their own needs.
Turning Against
“That’s so lame”= criticism. “You’re ridiculous” = contempt, or “I’ve got one too and mine’s much nicer” = competition. “That’s not fuzzy, it’s furry” = negating the other’s opinion, often called gaslighting. All of these are destructive forms of communicating and won’t get you anywhere productive.
Stonewalling
Looking at your phone or turning on the TV is a very obvious turning away and the Gottmans named it as stonewalling. It’s so hurtful and damaging and is actually the biggest predictor of separation/divorce - acting like the other doesn’t exist. After experiencing this enough times, many partners will move on. Others will be suckers for punishment and stick around, hoping they’ll be seen and heard one day and in the meantime, being the brunt of another’s lack of care and attention, whilst growing evermore resentful.
The Glue of Communication
These moments of turning towards and away are so important! They happen whenever we’re together and are fundamental building blocks of our relationships. Turning towards fosters friendship, love and secure connections. Turning away equates to making adversaries of one another and thus, creating an unsafe environment. It’s so easy to develop unhealthy patterns of responding to bids. Counselling can assist individuals and couples to become aware of these patterns and develop strategies to break out of them. Getting the basics right builds a solid foundation for improved relationships, not just with an intimate partner, but with all of the people in your life!